I am very mentally drained right now guys. Tony and I had a situation today and it wasn’t very pleasant. I debated for awhile about whether or not I should post this, but if nothing else it should be documented in case Tony gets his memories wiped again. He says he doesn’t care if I post it, and I can understand why he’s not going to post it himself.
For anyone who’s not familiar with the situation, Tony has no memories of his life before he married Cathy. Bits and pieces of his childhood have been slowly coming back and a very nasty one came back for him today.
Cathy had decided to go out grocery shopping for me. She said it was to give me a break, but I think part of it was her needing some alone time doing something normal. It’s been so good spending time with each other, but its hurt a bit as well, especially when she started talking about Cynthia and I started talking about Maggie and Jake. So she went out to grocery store while I went to go take a shower. I had just finished getting dressed when I heard Tony start screaming. I ran down the stairs just in time to see him pick up one of my lamps and start smashing it into my coffee table.
He kept wrecking my living room, smashing things left and right, carving his hands up while he destroyed my possessions. Lucky for me I didn’t have too much valuable left in there, most of it got trashed during the crow storm. I didn’t want to get hurt or have to hurt him so I did my best to just stay out of his way until he tried to leave.
I may not be a shrink, but I think that I am more then qualified to recognize the look of a man that wants to hurt someone. And with that look on his face, there was no way I was letting him walk out that door. So I blocked the doorway, got in face, told him he wasn’t walking out until he calmed his ass down.
He raised a blood covered fist, but it didn’t scare me. He’s nowhere near as frightening as Tom was. I glared at him instead. "Go ahead and fucking hit me Tony. I already told you multiple times, I can take a hit and keep going."
He stared at me for a moment and turned around, stomping away from me to sit on my couch. "Why the hell would I hit you? S’not worth it and my hands are fuckin’ bleeding everywhere."
Yeah they were. He bled all over my poor couch. I’ve got some of my grandmother’s afghans on there now to cover up the stains. He covered his face with his hands, streaking it all over, making him look like a survivor of a horror movie. I suppose he was trying to ignore me, but I still wasn’t convinced he was ok to be left alone. So I sat down in my recliner. Didn’t talk to him that way he could have his space, but wasn’t going to let him out of my sight either. Which he didn’t like very much at all.
He got up again, so I got up and followed him. He flipped out again, screaming at me to leave him alone, that it was none of my business, why the fuck did I care? And I told him that it didn’t matter why I cared. I just did.
It was almost like me saying that flicked a switch that turned all that anger off because he just sat down in the middle of the floor and started staring at the wall. So I sat down next to him again not saying anything. And I guess it was the right thing to do because after a little while of silence, he started talking like a floodgate had been opened.
T: Hehe, I'm some grumpy old sociopath who can't even keep his eleven year old daughter from turning into himself. What have I done to help? Bitch some retards out? I don't do anything. Hell, I try to push people away. I'm not safe. And for some reason they keep coming back. And they say it's understandable that I would be like this. No one gets it, Kay. I'm bad. I'm wrong. There is somethin' inside of me that is sick and twisted and that thing has changed me into somethin' else. I'm not an Uncle figure for little lost teens or a loving husband who just wants the best for his family. I'm fuckin' selfish and depraved and I wanna hurt people so much. They don't get that I would, if I had the chance. I don't need a reason, I just need a cue. But 'oh Tony that's okay. You're alright. You're good ol' Tony still. Hehe, I haven't been Tony for eleven years. Hell I dunno if I even was Tony. Maybe the kid my parents wanted never even had the chance to live.
And guess what guys? There went Kay again, little Florence Nightingale wanna be, just like with Zero. I wasn’t mad anymore about my furniture and my stuff. I just wanted to find a way to help.
K: Well after seeing what you just did to my living room, I won't lie to you and say that I think you're just fine. But you didn't hit me when you could have. Hell I know you wanted to. I know what a man's face looks like when he wants to feel someone's skin break under his hands. And you didn't. You stopped. My opinion may not mean much to you, but that counts for a lot in my book. So maybe there is something wrong inside you. But I don't think its all wrong. I don't think all the good has been taken.
T: *He laughed.* Hopeful words right there, Kay. You don't even really know me, but it's nice of you t'say that.
K: *I shrugged* Just my opinion, you can take it or leave it.
T:....Lemme tell ya' a story. Once upon a time there was a kid named Anthony Delmont. He wasn't cool, he wasn't boring, he was average. That's why even the monster didn't come after him cause' he didn't stand out at all. But the thing with bein' average is that ya' get the attention of other monsters...the kind that are human. So Anthony had this imaginary friend- it was just as cool as the one his friend had, in fact, he thought it was the same one. For years and years he talked to this friend and walked around and played games with the imaginary buddy. None of the other kids ever saw his friend cause' now Anthony was special enough to have him all to hisself. When he turned eleven it wasn't cool to have this friend around anymore. People were calling him crazy and that he was just making it all up cause' his friend was a clever one, hehe, so fuckin' clever. So the next time he met his friend he told him it was over and to take a hike. Thing is...he kept seeing that friend everywhere. Until...one day he wised up...When he followed his friend one day...back to a house...where the friend had a wife and kids. Which should be impossible, right? Cause' his friend is imaginary.
He gave me a smile and I shivered. His grin reminded me of Zero’s eyes. Nothing pleasant and nothing sane.
T: And suddenly it wasn't somethin' in his head, it was a fucked up fairy tale that was reality. Anthony was fifteen when he figured out this man existed and had followed him around since he was eight, made him believe he was something unreal so that he could...play...with him...and Anthony knew he had to do somethin' cause' that's wrong and wrong can't be left unpunished. But he would do this alone because goddamn if this wasn't their secret, just like his 'imaginary friend' had told him.
He went quiet for a second with that grin growing wider.
T: So...Anthony...went to his house at night. Broke in. And then beat the man with a baseball bat until he could hear him squealing like the animal he was. And boy did he squeal like a pig! Anthony felt satisfied as bones broke and teeth cracked and blood spurted, right in front of a screaming wife and kids. The police came and took him away but the man survived. Anthony was sent to juvie while the pedophile got sent to jail with a minimum sentence. And the memory ends with the flashing lights and the noisy courtroom and the disappointed parents, hehe.
He turned and stared at me, and I wanted to cry at the hopelessness in those eyes.
T: I'm not a hero. I'm not someone you can look up to. I'm some man who's been fucked up by both a pedophile and monster.
And he kept staring at me, like he expected me to cringe and look away. But sometimes things just click in your head. And I could see that even though we were reacting to our pain in very different ways, Tony and I were a lot more alike then I ever could have expected.
K: And I'm a woman that was fucked up by an abuser and a monster. I'm not gonna condemn you for what you did Tony.
I pointed towards a window in the next room with shiny new glass.
K: I stood right outside that window and slammed the glass into his neck over and over until my hands were bleeding just like yours are now. I know that if I tell you I'm sorry, I'll get a patented Tony wise ass come back. But you can't stop me from wishing that Anthony could have been saved from what he went through. Either way, no you're not a hero. You're a survivor. Like me.
T: *He gave a weak bitter laugh.* Survivor, huh? I'm tired of bein' the survivor.
K: Yeah me too. But the only other option is letting it win. And I'm not about to let that happen without a fight.
T: I've been fighting it for...I don't even know how long. And y'know what? I know what I left with it. I can put two and two together. That man I killed at the church...it was him. He got outta jail early on good behavior and was changin' his ways or some shit. And by that point I had lost everything, Kay. My house, my friends, my family, my wife, my kid. And he was free and waltzin' around praisin' the Lord's name and thinkin' he was okay. I had been running for four years and he got off with a smack on th' hand. I got so....ANGRY. *He balled his hands into fists.* And I just...had t'punish him. For what he did. When I walked towards him I could hear it whispering in my head and pushin' me on, makin' me feel like a big man. I cornered that motherfucker and killed him in the church parking lot. Snapped his neck with my own hands and spit on his corpse. And I thought...the Lord hasn't looked out for me so far, what's th' point? Might as well become a devil if He isn't gonna help me. *He paused* I’m....bad.
K: No Tony. Not for that. I know you've done some fucked up things, but that is not one of them. He deserved it. Sometimes what goes around comes around. And sometimes you are what comes around.
T: Hehe maybe he did. But all the others didn't. I lost count of how many I tortured and handed over. It should feel wrong...but it doesn't.
K: I'll be honest Tony, I don't know what to say about that. I won't condemn you for something that you did while you were under it's control, but I'm not dumb enough to think that everything is sparkly fluffy bunnies just because you stopped. I get it. You're a sociopath. And I hope that you can come back from that somehow. I still think if there was nothing human left for you, you would have attacked me down there. People want happy endings. All those kids out there on the blogs. That’s why they haven't turned away from you. Cause they're still hoping that a hero will come to save us and we'll all live happily ever after. But you and me, we're old enough to know better.
T: Heh, certainly at that age. I feel older than forty. I feel like I'm old and withered and ready to drop. Cathy has more drive than me. I don't even know I wanna find Cynthia at this point. She's turning into me. It's disgusting to watch.
K: Cynthia is her world. Thage is missing, Reach is dead, and you two won't be here with me for very long. What else does she have to keep going for?
T: Nothin'. It's sad. That's why she's gonna let herself go. I want her t'get better but...it's hard to break free. That thing is like a disease that never leaves. There's always somethin' to pull you back.
K: That’s why I'm either going out fighting, or I'm putting a bullet in my brain.
That grin had slowly vanished from his face while we talked and his voice had lost the angry edge that made me feel like he still needed to be watched. I stood up and offered him a hand.
K: So are you gonna let me help you clean those cuts up?
He looked down at his hands and laughed before reaching up to take mine and pull himself to his feet, smirking at me.
T: You got balls, Kay.
So we went to the bathroom and got his cuts cleaned out and the blood off of his face. And then I made him come help me clean up the wreck he made in my living room. Poor Cathy got back to the house to see my couch covered in blood and my table smashed to pieces. So much for her relaxing alone time.
There isn’t too much else to say about this. I hope that it’ll help Tony not only to finally remember, but to have talked about it too. And I’m sure he’s gonna come bitch at me for posting this even if he did say he didn’t care if I did. Think of it this way, Tony, if you lose your memory again, at least this time there’s a record.