Obsession as therapy

So I currently have an obsession with Zero’s drawings. Better to be obsessed with someone else’s drawings then to be making my own, right? A friend once told me that I tend to focus on the problems of people around me in order to avoid dealing with my own. However in this case, I feel like having something else to focus on is a good thing. Focus on my job, focus on the pictures, focus on blogging. Anything to try and keep my increasingly growing breakdowns at bay.

Especially focus on blogging. When I’m writing these things down, it makes them seem less horrible. As if committing them to the page makes the terror less surreal and if it becomes more comprehensible, it becomes easier to face. Most of the time I exist on two settings: terrified and numb. Numb comes in handy for while I'm at work and need to pretend to be ok, but terrified sets back in the second I don't have something else to focus on. It can literally take me four hours to type one paragraph because I’ll type out long incoherent sentences that while some of you may be able to empathize with, I doubt they actually make sense intellectually. My backspace key gets so much use it has a permanent groove in it.

But after I sit down and type out what’s happening, it’s as if there’s a switch in my brain that turns normal people thoughts and feelings back on. And for a little while I feel almost normal again.  I am so grateful for you guys. I do a lot of complaining and crying and babbling about everything and nothing, but you listen and you respond and you care.  And it keeps me going. When it’s late at night and I start thinking about just giving up, even though I’ve never heard most of your voices, I can still hear exactly what you would say. And I thank you guys for that.

Ending sentimental tangent time, back to the point of this post. Like I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, I am obsessing a bit about Zero’s pictures. In the album titled that night, they’re labeled numerically. If you view them in their correct numerical order, they are definitely telling a story. A very cryptic hard to understand story, but a story none the less.

Out of the things that I believe I do understand, one thing that stands out to me very strongly is that there are no pictures showing Zero vs. it, or even Zero seeing it and running. It seems to me that Zero never fought it that night, possibly never even saw it. He saw the bodies of Basroil Squad, but not how they were killed.

The PTC did get back to me and they were extremely helpful. At this point I have confirmation that Nightcrawler did NOT see Zero get killed. And none of the other members of Basroil Squad made that claim during debriefing. All we have is that Nightcrawler heard him scream. While the implications of that are not pleasant for Zero’s sake, it makes me even more convinced that he is not dead.

We also have a post from Frap admitting that he has been in contact with Remnant since shortly after the Solstice and he figured out weeks ago that Remnant is Zero. I am not yet quite ready to throw away the theory that it’s an imposter, but the evidence is clearly leaning in the direction of Zero not only being alive, but having taken on the identity of Remnant.

And Remnant himself found his way here. He left me a riddle and I gave him my answer. I expect no other responses from him until he tells me whether I was correct or not, but I’ll say this anyway.

Remnant, whether you are the remnant of Zero or the remnant of someone else, I’ve looked at some of your comments in different places and you seem to be someone who has been through quite a bit. Do you need help? Obviously at this point I can’t work miracles like making sure it never bothers you again, but is there anything I can do for you?

On the personal end, I have an odd theory right now. I have had proxies break into my home. I have had it stand in front of my windows, in my backyard, and across the street from my house. I have gone walking or worse in my sleep, and I have woken up in the middle of the night knowing that it was trying to force me to do things while I was asleep. It has projected its desires into my head, and all around stalked, harassed, and done a pretty good job of trying to kill me.

But as far as I can tell, it has never ever once been in my home itself. And I currently have a lot of trouble maintaining my ability to believe in coincidence. Trying to figure out why may take a while though. It could be any one item I keep in the house, it could be a random ritual I did years ago that had a completely different purpose at the time it was invoked. Or it could be some combination of different things.

Or it could be just wishful thinking.