I'm still here folks. I was put into physical therapy for a few weeks. Had to relearn walking, moving my arms, even breathing normally. And after I got home? Well no excuse really. Just been kind of avoiding the computer. I have lots of excuses for why I've been avoiding this blog. I'm still weak, I'm tired, I'm too mentally fragile still to talk about things. All of which are bullshit. In the end I think I'm just afraid to face what broke me. So I'll take it easy and go backwards, start with when I went under instead of what happened beforehand.

When I read about how someone had decided to rescue Morningstar just hours after Melly died, I couldn't breathe. And no I am not going to link those people's blog posts here like I normally would. Also I will let it be known now that if they try to comment on this or any other post, it will be deleted immediately. Anything less would be an insult to the memory of a woman that Morningstar took advantage of, broke, and destroyed. If they hadn't decided to "rescue" him, he might have been captured by the police eventually. The fact that he is dead does not make the things he did to her forgivable. Melly will never have justice because of what they did and they will never be welcome here or forgiven.

Back to my point, when I read that I couldn't breathe. All I could see was the faces of the people that have died because of me. Melly, the kids, even Tom. I tried to close my eyes and the faces were still there, and then all started speaking at the same time, blaming me for their pain, asking why I killed them. I was trying to draw in a breath, just one, but nothing came.

I'm not sure exactly what happened next. I don't know if I passed out, or if maybe my mind just snapped, but I wasn't in my home anymore. I wasn't anywhere. It was murky and foggy. There must have been a light coming from somewhere because I could see a little bit, but I couldn't pinpoint the source. Everything seemed washed out. The only colors were grey. But the sounds were less dreary and more terrifying.

There were screams coming from somewhere in the fog. And I knew the voices. My godchildren. Melly. All of them screaming in pain. Someone was torturing them. I started to run towards them and no matter how long and fast I ran I didn't get closer. The screams stayed far away, growing more frantic, more terrorized.

I'm not sure how long I ran for. I know that Ryan had to take care of me for a few weeks. But time felt different when I was living it. It felt like I might have been gone for a day at the most. And when I say gone I don't mean I was somewhere else. My body never left the house according to Ryan. It didn't feel like it did when Zero's tree came after me, when I was somehow taken some place else. I know that whatever this was it was all in my head. But to quote J.K Rowling, "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

I eventually had to rest. I sat down on the ground with the damp fog surrounding me and started to cry. I had failed at everything. I had saved no one. Here I was lost and alone again, the damsel in distress only this time no one was coming to save me. I was weak and worthless just like Tom had always said. And as if by thinking about him I had somehow summoned him. He was there in front of me, reaching out and grabbing me around my waist with one arm and stroking my face tenderly with his other hand.

He smiled as he touched my cheeks, hands so tender and loving as he crooned the vilest words at me. Telling me all the things that haunted my dreams, everything I had fucked up, every bad name I had ever thought of myself, everyone I had let down. His fingers moved down to my neck as he reminded how it was my fault what happened to Maggie and Jake, how much fun we were going to have now that we were together again, and oh gods his fingers started to move lower and whatever had been keeping me frozen in place snapped.

I jumped away from him and we stared at each other. He had this awful half smile on his face as his eyes looked over me. That smile never left his face as he looked at me, looked into me. It felt like he wasn't just looking at me, he was looking inside me, my soul laid bare, my thoughts his to hear. I was ready for him. Ready to fight, to argue, whatever way he was going to attack me.

What I was not ready for however was for him to turn around and walk away. Without even looking at me, he called back that if I wanted to find Melly and the kids, I had better follow him. I didn't have much time to think about it. The fog was thick, he was disappearing quickly, and this point really what did I have to lose?

I followed him through the fog, trying to keep up with his much bigger strides. He didn't look back at me, didn't check to see if I was there. And amazingly he seemed to be telling the truth. As I followed him the screams grew closer and finally we stepped into an area that was still quite foggy, but somehow better lit then the rest.

I'm shaking and feeling more then slightly nauseous. I think I need to take a break from writing this out. I'm determined to finish telling what happened, but I am smart enough at least to know I can't force it all out in one shot.

Awake

It's me guys. Updating from my Blackberry.  Dizzy, weak as hell, and gods damn it how did I even have any weight left to lose? But I'm awake. Ryan's driving me to the hospital so we can make sure I'm not hurt in any ways I don't know about. My whole body feels like it's made out of overcooked spaghetti. It's even hard just pressing the keys on my phone to type this. A lot happened. Things happened in my head to me and things happened to Ryan. But it's way too much to try and explain right now.

We're at the hospital. Oh for the love of the gods, they are getting me a wheelchair. Gotta go for now. 

It's been almost three weeks of Kay being catatonic, semi catatonic? She still swallows if I feed her, but she wouldn't chew so I've had her on smoothies and vegetable juice, stuff like that. I was too scared to bring her to a hospital. The Slender Man has agents everywhere right? So I've been taking care of her here. How much of a triumph would it have been for one of those assholes to off her while she was completely helpless?

And it's good thing I was here. We get attacked almost daily. No one particularly capable. Morons that try to get me to open a door for them mostly. The Slender Man doing his normal loom outside the window. He still hasn't come inside her house. I found a gun sitting in her dresser drawer. Looking back over her blog I guess its the same one that her boyfriend gave her, that Spender guy.

Not much else to report. The only reason I'm even posting right now is to let you proxy assholes know this. She's protected. After everything she has done and everything that those other proxies and bloggers like that Morningstar and Elaine pair did to her, and most of all after what I did to her, I'm making sure that she is safe until she wakes up. And she is going to wake up. She's too damn strong not too.

Oh shit

Ryan again. Brought Kay home from the hospital the day after I posted what happened to us. Kay still won’t talk. Its like the person I’ve gotten to know over the past few weeks just isn’t there anymore. It feels like I’m interacting with a machine. Everything is completely mechanical with her.

Until this morning. God I made a huge mistake. I really thought it would help her, but I should have at least thought to read what was going on. Maybe one of these days I’ll make my own account that way I can look at things beforehand.

I convinced to Kay to go on the computer. Not to post, just to look and see how things were. Try and get her to reconnect with the world a little bit.

Well right now the world seems out to get her. That kid who she was fighting has apparently been “rescued”. Only hours after he was here. I was sitting in the living room, trying to give her some privacy in case she wanted to try and talk to someone. She let out this moan, like a hurt animal and fell out of her chair onto the floor. I ran over and after I got her laying on the couch I took a look at what she was reading that made her do that. Some chick named Elaine. I have no clue who she is, but she was on Kay’s list of blogs.

I think this is really bad. She’s not even being mechanical right now. I think she might be catatonic. Well maybe not that bad. She drank the water I gave her. But she won’t look at anything. She just stared at the ceiling. I think she fell asleep. Her eyes are closed at least.

I’m not sure what to do.

Ryan here. Things are pretty bad right now. We got attacked last night by someone who was supposed to be one of Kay’s closest friends. I didn’t really get to see what happened. We’re both alive. Kay is hurt pretty badly, physically and mentally. I missed out on half the mess and she won’t talk to me about what happened. I’ll give you guys what I know at least.

We’ve started getting along a lot better in the past few weeks. There was a huge hurricane that came through the area. Knocked out the power and internet for over a week. Her basement flooded and a tree came down on her garage. Between wading through water up to our knees and watching her laundry basket float around like a little boat, it gets hard for two people to stay pissed at each other.

We were sitting in her living room enjoying actually having lights and hot food. She was smiling and even laughed a few times, something I haven’t seen her do since the night I took her out to dinner and she found out who I really was. We were suddenly interrupted by a rock smashing through her picture window and into my head. I didn’t knock out immediately, but my vision and my brain went a bit blurry so this where things get kind of woozy.

She ran out the door, shrieking about proxy bastards. I stumbled over to the smashed window just in time to see Kay stop and stare at the woman leaping at her with a knife, shrieking at Kay like some kind of an animal. Apparently this woman was Melly, the mother of her deceased godchildren. At the time all I saw was Kay being attacked and not defending herself.

Melly sliced her across the face. She’s gonna have a pretty nasty scar. The doctors keep making noise at her about plastic surgery and she just stares at them like they’re not speaking English.

Sorry getting ahead of myself here. But I can’t tell you people how hard it has been to watch this pretty vibrant woman just deteriorate over the past few weeks. It seems like there is nothing left of the strong survivor I first read about when Olivia disappeared.

This was the point where I blacked out. I did my best to try to get out to them, but according to the doctors I’ve got a pretty nasty concussion from when that rock wacked me. I was probably only out for a minute or two, but I got up and looked out the window to see a scene that should have been something out of a movie, not real life.

Melly was laying on the ground with some kid standing over her, holding a knife, and laughing his head off. There was blood everywhere and Kay was holding a knife, screaming at the top of her lungs. No words, just this agonized sound. It reminded me of the sound my ex wife made when the police told us Olivia might never be found. She leapt at that kid and let me tell you he was quick. Dodged out of the way of that knife still laughing, screaming about Morningstar’s greatest triumph before stabbing out at her.

I grabbed the phone and called the cops while the two of them circled each other, him trying to stab her and her dodging while that Morningstar kid screamed at her about how she destroyed Melly, how worthless she was. I ran outside just in time for the sirens to start ringing.

The kid looked at us and glared at me before running off into the trees still laughing his head off like he had heard the best joke ever.

Kay won’t talk to me. She won’t tell me what happened while I was out cold. But whatever it was ended up with Melly dead. And I wasn’t sure she could take another emotional blow as it was.

I’ll try to make her talk to me. Or at least update here. She used to say it was good for her to be able to get her pain out on the blog. Maybe I can remind her of that.

Well I'm here. I'm sober. Been sober for a few days actually, but just haven't wanted to even look at a computer. Being drunk was easier. If you really want to know about what your favorite witch was doing while attempting to drink herself into a coma, go read Ryuu's post.

I’m not going to take back anything I said while I was drunk either. A child murdering piece of trash like Mitch gets to live. A mass murdering psychopath like Morningstar gets to keep tearing across the continent. My brother’s evil cunt ex-girlfriend killed his unborn baby and she’s still running around. And all of them get to live another day to hurt someone else.

The monsters live and Cathy is gone. And that’s just the way of it, I shouldn’t be surprised anymore. But oh deities it hurts so badly. Somehow I always thought it would be me first. No I didn’t think. I knew it was going to be me first because she had to have her happy ending. She had to get her daughter back and she was going to inherit my house and live happily ever after with her daughter finally safe.

Being wrong has never been so painful in my life. It should have been me, not her. They should be able to have each other. No child should have to lose her mother.

And then I come back online and I see that Nick's gone, kidnapped by some bitch at the demand of his "friend" the Time Lord. And just to top everything off, I got a phone call from the police this morning. Maggie and Jake's mom has gone missing. She snapped really badly after they were killed. They had her in an institution for a while and they let her out under the care of her mother. Apparently she stopped taking her meds and started screaming all the time about haring the kid's voices. When her mother tried to call 911 to have her put away again, Melly picked up a chair and beat her own mother unconscious with it. She's been missing for weeks now, but the police just got the bright idea recently to find out if i had heard from her. It was nice being able to tell the police the truth for once. Why would she come to me? It's my fault her kids are dead. We both know although she only thinks she knows why.

Sometimes I think I deserve everything that has happened to me. Bad things happen to everyone I love. And I'm still here.

This is Ryan. I know that most of you have no reason to want to hear from me at all, but Kay isn't doing very good right. She started drinking a few hours ago and hasn't stopped since. If any of you actually know her offline, maybe you should call her or something? Right now she's sitting in the backyard screaming and daring the Slender Man to come and get her. And she may be tiny, but when I tried to pull her inside I got to find out how good her left hook is.