Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A few words of warning

Remember how I said I’m taking a blogging break to pull myself back together? Well then can you imagine how pissed I must be right now to be typing out this post? But some things simply have to be said and they need to be said now, not when I’m feeling better.

Guys. Stop being dumb. No, seriously. Stop being dumb. I’m not naming any names. I’m not calling anyone in particular out. But I am seeing certain behaviors lately that make me very scared for some of you.

The proxies are not our friends. Let me repeat that. The homicidal people that work for the faceless Eldritch Abomination that is trying to drive us out of our minds and kill us painfully are NOT our friends.

Look I get it. Maurice is funny and amusing. The Messenger is trying to show us the sympathetic side of working for the Eldritch Abomination. Morningstar…actually I have no idea why most of you argue with Morningstar. But whatever the reasons, stop giving them what they want!

Do you realize what’s going to happen if you keep giving in to what Maurice and the Messenger are telling us? The stories they tell about the poor proxies that don’t have a choice about what they are trying to do to us? The more you sympathize with them, the more you pity them, the less you will be able to fight back when they inevitably come to try and kill you. And if you can’t fight back, you’re dead. It’s that simple.

I’m not saying you need to be able to kill the ones coming for you. Hell I’m the one who came up with super pepper spray because I would rather blind someone then have to use potentially lethal weapons like knives or hammers. But there’s a reason that armies are taught to dehumanize their enemies. If you sympathize with your enemy you’ll hesitate. And if you hesitate for even a second, that’s all they’ll need, Just one second where your guard is down. Yes they are still humans. They’re not animals. But guess what guys? They won’t hesitate to torture you. In ways that you don’t even want to imagine. And then if you’re lucky, at the end, they’ll kill you. If you’re not lucky, they’ll give you to their boss. I am speaking from experience here folks. Still don’t believe me? Why don’t you go ask Tony what he did to people when he was working for it?

Don’t you guys get it? They want us to hesitate. They want us dead. Someone like the Messenger is more dangerous than all the Rikas and Eulogies combined. In fact he is probably the most dangerous of the faceless bastard’s minions that are currently among the living. He’s making you feel for them. And the more you feel for them, the more you’ll hesitate.

Don’t be a murderer. Don’t just randomly kill as many proxies as you can because you can. It’s not living anymore if you forget to be a human yourself. But never forget that they are NOT our friends. Some of them can become our allies like Reach did. But never stop defending yourself because you feel bad that the other side is hurting or scared. Aren’t we hurting and scared too? They are the ones coming after us! Stop forgetting that!

We want to think that they are all like Reach. That they can be saved, brought back to the light. But we can’t try to bring them back at the cost of our own lives. Hell Maurice wished me happy birthday a few weeks ago. But just a few entries before that he was doing his best to troll me, to create doubt and discord. And because he is funny and sometimes sympathetic, you guys are listening to what he says when he condemns us for defending ourselves when attacked.

And finally there are trolls like Morningstar and the deceased Rikas. They don’t pretend to be sympathetic. They do everything possible to hurt us physically, mentally, emotionally. So why the hell are you people still arguing with them? Stop giving them what they want! They want you to get mad, yell, scream. And the more attention you give them, the happier they are. As a wise man once said, don’t feed the trolls!

None of us are soldiers. We haven’t been trained to view the people trying to maim and kill us as things instead of people nor should we. This isn’t about making them less then what they are. It’s about keeping ourselves safe. It’s hard enough to fight back and stay alive without becoming more sympathetic towards them then we already are.

ETA: I put this as a comment, but I think I need to have in a more obvious spot on this post as well.

You guys are missing the point. I never said don't talk to them. I said stop letting your guard down. Don't give them trust. Don't let them get inside your head. You want to try and save them? Rock on. Reach can't be the only one that can be saved. But try to save them at the cost of your own safety? That's dumb. And dumb gets you killed.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Hey folks. Sorry I’ve been so silent lately. I’ve been doing a lot of deep thinking about the things that I’ve done. The people I’ve hurt.

My brother is hurt. And while I’m not the person who did it, it’s still my fault. I was the one who introduced him to all this. So that’s seven people that I have either directly or indirectly harmed since all this began. Although if you think about it, the number might be even more. I killed Tom, and because of that his family who loved him suffers. My godchildren were killed and their mother is destroyed. I heard that she had to be sent to the hospital because she wasn’t eating. Who knows who else has been hurt by the things I’ve done?

And before I get scolded by my loving and worried friends, I do understand that the things I did were not done with a wicked intent. But it doesn’t make my heart feel less pained.

I believe in karma, that what we do comes back to us, even if it wasn’t ill meant at the time. It’s the butterfly effect, everything we do effects numerous other situations. I’ve made so many mistakes in the past few months.

I think I need a blogging break. If anything important happens I’ll post about it, and if anyone needs me just leave a comment or send an email. And I’ll probably still be keeping an eye on all the blogs I normally watch, commenting when and if I have something intelligent to say. I just…

I need some time off. Well the closest I can come to having time off when our favorite stalker still makes random appearances. It frightens me more to see it in the sunlight you know. There’s a quality of realism that can’t be denied in the light the way you can sometimes try to deny what you see in the dark.

But even with the ever present threat that chases us, I, no we cannot give in to despair. We have to keep going. I’m still alive. I’m still sane. Don’t give up hope no matter how hard it hurts. If you’re a runner, keep moving, if you’re a fighter, keep looking for ways to strike back. I should be dead, so many of us should be dead. And in honor of the ones that are dead, we need to keep going. I am still here and my home is still open to any of you that need it. And maybe while I take this break I'll be able to come up with something that lets me get back into the fight.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Another year

I’m thirty one today. This is rather unexpected. I really didn’t think I was going to survive this long, but here I am. For the first time I’m feeling grateful to have grown another year older.

You’ll have to pardon my silence for the past few days. While I did escape the tree alive, I didn’t escape it completely unharmed. Mentally, it's been a little rough. It's hard to stay asleep when the squirrels running across my roof make me jump awake thinking its the leeches. And not a single night has gone that I haven't dreamt of the trees eyes staring into me. Physically, things have been a little bit off.

I was a rather disturbing sight when I got home and actually saw myself in the mirror. There were trails of dried blood coming from my eyes, ears, and nose. When I washed it all off, I didn’t see any wounds, so I can only assume that I had actually bled from those areas at some point during my journey through the wanna be Silent Hill. My best guess would be that it happened when I saw the tree. That pressure that I felt building inside my head would probably explain that kind of bleeding. I didn’t really think about it once I finished cleaning myself up. I did my best to put it out of my head until I had a couple of dizzy spells. Almost falling over while trying to repaint a living room wall is not very fun. Took me forever to get the paint out of my hair and it still smells like olive oil.

So happy birthday to me, I went to the doctor this morning. So very glad that I bargained keeping my insurance as part of my severance package. She couldn’t find anything wrong with me which was quite a relief. She wants me to go get a couple of tests just to be safe, but she told me not to stress too hard about it. Actually since I couldn’t really tell her about being trapped in another world with a tree of evil covered in giant leeches, I ended up going with the explanation of well I’m out of work and I only have this many months left on my severance and I’m just not getting enough sleep. She believes that my dizziness is caused by nothing more then good old fashioned stress, which let’s face it folks, that could easily be true. Deities know that I have plenty of it in my life.

She took around half the blood out of my body today, and I’ll be going for one or two more tests during the next week, but again, she’s not worried, so I’m not going to worry either. Well I’ll try at least. I’m just getting awfully tired of tired of doctors. I’ve seen them way too much in the past few months.

And tonight I get to have a lovely distraction. Ryuu and Sage are still here, so I’m baking a cake and making my birthday dinner for the three of us. I’ve had so much company lately; I’m actually not sure how well I’m going to cope when the house is empty again.

Oh well, cross that bridge when we come to it, right? For now, I’ve been informed that “I am still young and need to have a birthday party damn it” although I’m a little confused about how it’s going to be a party with just three of us. Considering that one of the three is Amalgamation Sage however, maybe I should be more worried then confused.