Wait.

What?

I...think I need a stiff drink.

I think it’s time to get back on track. Cathy and Tony left and as far as I know the only stalker I have left is the supernatural one. And I think it’s time to start working on dealing with that again. I originally wanted to try something during Beltane, but it fell while I was at the hotel recovering from having fought Tom. And then there was Zero, and honestly I didn’t even celebrate Beltane properly much less try to do something about the faceless wonder.

So it’s time to start over. It’s time to live damn it because I am tired of waiting to die. I have too much to live for. Strange isn’t it? I haven’t had much to live for in the past few years. Just me and my computer, and sometimes I would go see the god kids. Now I don’t have the god kids anymore, but I still feel like I have more to live for then I have in a very long time.

Slice…I wish you were still here, but I want you to be at peace even more. Both you and your brother. I just wish we could have had the chance to meet, to talk in person. I know how mad you would be if you knew how guilty I feel right now. So instead I’ll just do my best to honor your life. Make your next life be much happier than this one was.

And Thomas. My sweet Thomas, my Mr. Spender. It’s been weeks since I heard from you or the people you were traveling with. At this point I know I need to assume the worst. It wasn’t love. We both knew that. But now we won’t know if it could have been. I hope that we’ll see each other again, in this life or the next. And I hope that we’ll have a chance to see whether or not it could have been love.

I’m ready to move forward. Let’s go.

I am very mentally drained right now guys. Tony and I had a situation today and it wasn’t very pleasant. I debated for awhile about whether or not I should post this, but if nothing else  it should be documented in case Tony gets his memories wiped again. He says he doesn’t care if I post it, and I can understand why he’s not going to post it himself.

For anyone who’s not familiar with the situation, Tony has no memories of his life before he married Cathy. Bits and pieces of his childhood have been slowly coming back and a very nasty one came back for him today.

Cathy had decided to go out grocery shopping for me. She said it was to give me a break, but I think part of it was her needing some alone time doing something normal. It’s been so good spending time with each other, but its hurt a bit as well, especially when she started talking about Cynthia and I started talking about Maggie and Jake. So she went out to grocery store while I went to go take a shower. I had just finished getting dressed when I heard Tony start screaming. I ran down the stairs just in time to see him pick up one of my lamps and start smashing it into my coffee table.

He kept wrecking my living room, smashing things left and right, carving his hands up while he destroyed my possessions. Lucky for me I didn’t have too much valuable left in there, most of it got trashed during the crow storm. I didn’t want to get hurt or have to hurt him so I did my best to just stay out of his way until he tried to leave.

I may not be a shrink, but I think that I am more then qualified to recognize the look of a man that wants to hurt someone. And with that look on his face, there was no way I was letting him walk out that door. So I blocked the doorway, got in face, told him he wasn’t walking out until he calmed his ass down.

He raised a blood covered fist, but it didn’t scare me. He’s nowhere near as frightening as Tom was. I glared at him instead. "Go ahead and fucking hit me Tony. I already told you multiple times, I can take a hit and keep going."

He stared at me for a moment and turned around, stomping away from me to sit on my couch. "Why the hell would I hit you? S’not worth it and my hands are fuckin’ bleeding everywhere."

Yeah they were. He bled all over my poor couch. I’ve got some of my grandmother’s afghans on there now to cover up the stains. He covered his face with his hands, streaking it all over, making him look like a survivor of a horror movie. I suppose he was trying to ignore me, but I still wasn’t convinced he was ok to be left alone. So I sat down in my recliner. Didn’t talk to him that way he could have his space, but wasn’t going to let him out of my sight either. Which he didn’t like very much at all.

He got up again, so I got up and followed him. He flipped out again, screaming at me to leave him alone, that it was none of my business, why the fuck did I care? And I told him that it didn’t matter why I cared. I just did.

It was almost like me saying that flicked a switch that turned all that anger off because he just sat down in the middle of the floor and started staring at the wall. So I sat down next to him again not saying anything. And I guess it was the right thing to do because after a little while of silence, he started talking like a floodgate had been opened.

T: Hehe, I'm some grumpy old sociopath who can't even keep his eleven year old daughter from turning into himself. What have I done to help? Bitch some retards out? I don't do anything. Hell, I try to push people away. I'm not safe. And for some reason they keep coming back. And they say it's understandable that I would be like this. No one gets it, Kay. I'm bad. I'm wrong. There is somethin' inside of me that is sick and twisted and that thing has changed me into somethin' else. I'm not an Uncle figure for little lost teens or a loving husband who just wants the best for his family. I'm fuckin' selfish and depraved and I wanna hurt people so much. They don't get that I would, if I had the chance. I don't need a reason, I just need a cue. But 'oh Tony that's okay. You're alright. You're good ol' Tony still. Hehe, I haven't been Tony for eleven years. Hell I dunno if I even was Tony. Maybe the kid my parents wanted never even had the chance to live.

And guess what guys? There went Kay again, little Florence Nightingale wanna be, just like with Zero. I wasn’t mad anymore about my furniture and my stuff. I just wanted to find a way to help.

K: Well after seeing what you just did to my living room, I won't lie to you and say that I think you're just fine. But you didn't hit me when you could have. Hell I know you wanted to. I know what a man's face looks like when he wants to feel someone's skin break under his hands. And you didn't. You stopped. My opinion may not mean much to you, but that counts for a lot in my book. So maybe there is something wrong inside you. But I don't think its all wrong. I don't think all the good has been taken.

T: *He laughed.* Hopeful words right there, Kay. You don't even really know me, but it's nice of you t'say that.

K: *I shrugged* Just my opinion, you can take it or leave it.

T:....Lemme tell ya' a story. Once upon a time there was a kid named Anthony Delmont. He wasn't cool, he wasn't boring, he was average. That's why even the monster didn't come after him cause' he didn't stand out at all. But the thing with bein' average is that ya' get the attention of other monsters...the kind that are human. So Anthony had this imaginary friend- it was just as cool as the one his friend had, in fact, he thought it was the same one. For years and years he talked to this friend and walked around and played games with the imaginary buddy. None of the other kids ever saw his friend cause' now Anthony was special enough to have him all to hisself. When he turned eleven it wasn't cool to have this friend around anymore. People were calling him crazy and that he was just making it all up cause' his friend was a clever one, hehe, so fuckin' clever. So the next time he met his friend he told him it was over and to take a hike. Thing is...he kept seeing that friend everywhere. Until...one day he wised up...When he followed his friend one day...back to a house...where the friend had a wife and kids. Which should be impossible, right? Cause' his friend is imaginary.

He gave me a smile and I shivered. His grin reminded me of Zero’s eyes. Nothing pleasant and nothing sane.

T: And suddenly it wasn't somethin' in his head, it was a fucked up fairy tale that was reality. Anthony was fifteen when he figured out this man existed and had followed him around since he was eight, made him believe he was something unreal so that he could...play...with him...and Anthony knew he had to do somethin' cause' that's wrong and wrong can't be left unpunished. But he would do this alone because goddamn if this wasn't their secret, just like his 'imaginary friend' had told him.

He went quiet for a second with that grin growing wider.

T: So...Anthony...went to his house at night. Broke in. And then beat the man with a baseball bat until he could hear him squealing like the animal he was. And boy did he squeal like a pig! Anthony felt satisfied as bones broke and teeth cracked and blood spurted, right in front of a screaming wife and kids. The police came and took him away but the man survived. Anthony was sent to juvie while the pedophile got sent to jail with a minimum sentence. And the memory ends with the flashing lights and the noisy courtroom and the disappointed parents, hehe.

He turned and stared at me, and I wanted to cry at the hopelessness in those eyes.

T: I'm not a hero. I'm not someone you can look up to. I'm some man who's been fucked up by both a pedophile and monster.

And he kept staring at me, like he expected me to cringe and look away. But sometimes things just click in your head. And I could see that even though we were reacting to our pain in very different ways, Tony and I were a lot more alike then I ever could have expected.

K: And I'm a woman that was fucked up by an abuser and a monster. I'm not gonna condemn you for what you did Tony.

I pointed towards a window in the next room with shiny new glass.

K: I stood right outside that window and slammed the glass into his neck over and over until my hands were bleeding just like yours are now. I know that if I tell you I'm sorry, I'll get a patented Tony wise ass come back. But you can't stop me from wishing that Anthony could have been saved from what he went through. Either way, no you're not a hero. You're a survivor. Like me.

T: *He gave a weak bitter laugh.* Survivor, huh? I'm tired of bein' the survivor.

K: Yeah me too. But the only other option is letting it win. And I'm not about to let that happen without a fight.

T: I've been fighting it for...I don't even know how long. And y'know what? I know what I left with it. I can put two and two together. That man I killed at the church...it was him. He got outta jail early on good behavior and was changin' his ways or some shit. And by that point I had lost everything, Kay. My house, my friends, my family, my wife, my kid. And he was free and waltzin' around praisin' the Lord's name and thinkin' he was okay. I had been running for four years and he got off with a smack on th' hand. I got so....ANGRY. *He balled his hands into fists.* And I just...had t'punish him. For what he did. When I walked towards him I could hear it whispering in my head and pushin' me on, makin' me feel like a big man. I cornered that motherfucker and killed him in the church parking lot. Snapped his neck with my own hands and spit on his corpse. And I thought...the Lord hasn't looked out for me so far, what's th' point? Might as well become a devil if He isn't gonna help me. *He paused* I’m....bad.

K: No Tony. Not for that. I know you've done some fucked up things, but that is not one of them. He deserved it. Sometimes what goes around comes around. And sometimes you are what comes around.

T: Hehe maybe he did. But all the others didn't. I lost count of how many I tortured and handed over. It should feel wrong...but it doesn't.

K: I'll be honest Tony, I don't know what to say about that. I won't condemn you for something that you did while you were under it's control, but I'm not dumb enough to think that everything is sparkly fluffy bunnies just because you stopped. I get it. You're a sociopath. And I hope that you can come back from that somehow. I still think if there was nothing human left for you, you would have attacked me down there. People want happy endings. All those kids out there on the blogs. That’s why they haven't turned away from you. Cause they're still hoping that a hero will come to save us and we'll all live happily ever after. But you and me, we're old enough to know better.

T: Heh, certainly at that age. I feel older than forty. I feel like I'm old and withered and ready to drop. Cathy has more drive than me. I don't even know I wanna find Cynthia at this point. She's turning into me. It's disgusting to watch.

K: Cynthia is her world. Thage is missing, Reach is dead, and you two won't be here with me for very long. What else does she have to keep going for?

T: Nothin'. It's sad. That's why she's gonna let herself go. I want her t'get better but...it's hard to break free. That thing is like a disease that never leaves. There's always somethin' to pull you back.

K: That’s why I'm either going out fighting, or I'm putting a bullet in my brain.

That grin had slowly vanished from his face while we talked and his voice had lost the angry edge that made me feel like he still needed to be watched. I stood up and offered him a hand.

K: So are you gonna let me help you clean those cuts up?

He looked down at his hands and laughed before reaching up to take mine and pull himself to his feet, smirking at me.

T: You got balls, Kay.

So we went to the bathroom and got his cuts cleaned out and the blood off of his face. And then I made him come help me clean up the wreck he made in my living room. Poor Cathy got back to the house to see my couch covered in blood and my table smashed to pieces. So much for her relaxing alone time.

There isn’t too much else to say about this. I hope that it’ll help Tony not only to finally remember, but to have talked about it too. And I’m sure he’s gonna come bitch at me for posting this even if he did say he didn’t care if I did. Think of it this way, Tony, if you lose your memory again, at least this time there’s a record.

Think Happy Thoughts

Cathy and Tony are here and my heart is so full it helps make up for how angry I was at myself over Zero. I really didn’t think she and I were ever going to actually meet and to have this actually happening is just wonderful.

I wish it was better circumstances. I wish with all my heart that that the two of us were going out to dinner with Cynthia and that my voice didn’t still rasp if I talk too much, but we take what we can get right?

I am calmer then I was. Between Cathy being here and talking with Hakurei on the phone for a while I feel less angry at myself. I did what I felt I needed to do at the time. Was it the right decision? I don’t know. What if I had managed to knock him out? What was I supposed to do? Keep him like a pet? There’s no way I would have been able to give him to the police. I’m sure that branch of the FBI that supposedly exists just to deal with Fighters and Runners would not have anything good in store for me or him. And turning him over to the authorities knowing that would have been just as bad as murdering him myself.

I refuse to believe that anyone can't be saved no matter what they believe of themselves. I may be mad at myself for the way things turned out, but Hakurei is right. I had to try. And I am not going to apologize for refusing to murder a man in cold blood.

Generally hindsight is 20/20 but not in this case. I can’t come up with any other options to take that would have let me keep living with myself. I did the best that I could and that’s all any of us can ever do. That would make a good epitaph wouldn’t it? Here lies Kaylin. She did the best that she could.

I could think of much worse ways to have lived my life.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my best friend and I are going to cook breakfast together while her ex-husband glares at us and complains about us laughing too much.

Stupid Me

I’m stupid. Deities I am so stupid. I actually had myself fooled for a bit. Thought that maybe I was somehow making a difference. That my words might actually fucking mean something and that there is something left in this world that isn’t covered in blood.

Right, backtracking a bit so that you guys can understand why I’m such a jackass. As stated in my last entry, there was a knock on my door. This was weird for several reasons. One, if it was someone I knew they wouldn’t have knocked, they would have used their cell phone to call me. Two, no one knocks on doors around here, they ring doorbells. Three, it was almost freaking midnight!

Being at least occasionally intelligent, I went over to one of my front windows, shutting the living room lights off first so that whoever was out there wouldn’t be able to see me very well. Even with that precaution, I made sure to stay far enough away from the screen that someone couldn’t thrust a knife at me through it. I then demanded to know who the hell was at my door this late at night.

And the voice that answered me was...just a normal voice. He sounded utterly exhausted, but calm. “I told you I'd be coming here, Kay.”

It was Zero. Of course it would be Zero. Who the hell else would it be?

There are days that I wish my life was a movie. Not because of happy endings, or super powers, or anything that unrealistic. No I just want to have the ability to always know what to say. If I was a movie heroine, I would have the perfect snarky badass response to the fact that the man who had officially become my third fucking stalker had knocked on my door like he was expecting to be invited in for tea and crumpets. But my mouth opened and instead of something smooth I said, “Oh deities, are you fucking kidding me?"

If he was the slightest bit amused by my inability to process the fact that he was at my door, he didn’t show it. Instead he stood at my door and I stood at my window. I could see the mask that he wore, the same mask from the pictures he posted on his blog, back when he was still a hero and I could see his katana in its sheath strapped to his back. He stood there with his hands in his pockets and we had a conversation through my window.

Z: You have something I need. I ask that you let me in.

K: Yeah, not so much. How dumb do you think I am?

Z: *He laughed softly.* Despite my recent...actions lately, I'm not actually here to hurt you. You asked me a question, I wanted to do my best to answer it.

K: There is no despite your recent actions. Your recent actions are everything! How the hell can I believe that? You still haven't told me how you found out where I live!

Z: *He shrugged.* Not too certain myself, I just...go places nowadays. Look...I'm hoping that maybe helping you helps me as well. Maybe something about these pictures...

K: So you really don't remember sending them to me? You weren't just being an asshole?

Z: Heh...I get frustrated a lot, sure, but I've never sent hate mail to anyone, especially in drawn form...

I’ll admit, that made me laugh. This whole conversation had taken on a surreal aspect, he was making a joke, and it almost felt like by laughing I had admitted a weakness. I tried to pull myself back on track.

K: How can I believe you? You've been bragging about killing people, Fighters and Runners like me.

Z: Bragging? *He sighed* Shit, I hate it more than anything...look, I don't like being out here in the open, but I really don't have any way to promise my intent.

I stared at him for a moment. Maybe he was insane, but he was also very similar to a religious nutcase. The way he talked about that sword on his blog, you could tell that there wasn’t anything he valued higher then it. That he thought it was a holy weapon or something. And I thought I knew exactly how to get rid of him.

K: What about your sword? You can't actually think that I would let even think about letting you in here with a weapon.

Z: Uhm...

He looked at his sword. I could see this almost panicky Iook go across his face and for a moment I thought I had pushed the right nerve, that he was going to leave.

Z: I really don't want to just leave it out here, but maybe you could...hold onto it? Be careful...

And he pulled the sheathed sword off of his back and held it out towards my window, the handle towards me. I stood there just staring for a second before cracking open the screen wide enough to pull it inside. So now I was kind of stuck. If I didn’t let him in now that I had his sword, he would probably go berserk. If I let him in he was probably going to go berserk. Way to go Kay. And I was pissed off enough at myself and him for putting me in this position that I deliberately invoked a nasty little echo from his past.

K: Well you already knocked, so when I open the door make sure you keep your hands where I can see them. I'd make you lay face down, but I suppose you won't be able to look at the pictures too well that way, will you?

He nodded at me.

Z: Just...easy with my sword. It’s all I've got.

I’m too gods damned soft hearted for my own good. He just sounded so weak and afraid once I was holding his sword. I opened the door warning him to keep his hands where I could see them and to keep his distance from me. I put his sword in my closet and let him enter my living room.

The first thing I noticed about him was that he was large. I mean large like my ex fiancé large. The second thing I noticed was how beat to shit he was. He could barely hold himself upright without swaying and he limped like crazy. So I figured that if he did go berserk, being in pretty crappy physical condition would probably balance out the fact that he could probably lift me up one handed. The third thing I noticed was that the mask he wore had eyeholes that were large enough to very clearly let me see his eyes. And they were practically mirrors of my own in how tired they were. But at the same time, if I hadn’t already known I was talking with a madman, one look into those eyes would have been more than enough to let me know what I was dealing with.

He looked around and seemed rather surprised as he saw my crystal collection laying on the tables and windowsills.

Z: Hmmm...crystals.

I remembered the last time he and I had spoken, over Doctor Cairo’s Ustream, where he had accused my research with crystals to be mumbo jumbo and I was quite grateful to feel myself getting mad again. Better to stay mad. He was acting harmless enough at the moment, but it would be easier to fight someone I was mad at rather than someone I was pitying.

K: Oh yes, I forgot. You have issues with my crystals.

Z: I was frustrated with things again...hmm jade *He picked up a piece.* I've actually seen this stuff wither and blacken, probably the only thing I've seen that actually seems consistent.

I then noticed that he was wearing a backpack and nearly smacked myself. I’ve read the damn blog entries, I knew that his sword wasn’t his only weapon.

K: You can lose the backpack or leave.

He set it down by my door without even blinking. Nothing like the emotional reaction he had to handing over his sword. I suppose that he doesn’t love his other knives quite as much. I felt a little bit safer so I thought I would at least be polite while we were discussing my area of expertise.

K: Odd because that's not one of the properties I've ever heard of for it.

I picked up a piece of quartz that I never let far from me anymore. The quartz I used to stab Tom in the eye.

Z: Would you believe I suggested that to Nessa once, that maybe jade could help either cleanse her, or ward off corruption. *He sighed.* I got it from a card game I played...heh....but the next time I saw her, that last time, she showed me a little warped dragon figurine, as black as night...

And there it was again, that pity creeping in. Stupid, stupid Kaylin, who never could resist the call of a hurting soul, who always has to try and take care of people, who always has to try and save them. I shoved my hair out of my face in frustration and tossed the piece of quartz at him, hoping to remind him that he did not want to fuck with me.

K: I'd be more inclined to use this for a cleansing.

I started moving towards my computer room, making sure to move backwards so that I wasn’t turning my back to him. I needed to get him out of there. I had a freaking serial killer standing in my living room making conversation about crystals. What the hell was wrong with me? If he was telling the truth about just wanting to see the pictures that he claimed to not remember drawing, I needed to let him see them and have him get the hell out of my house.

K: So do you want to see these or not?"

He nodded and followed me. I pulled the envelope with the pictures of out the desk and handed them to him, glaring at him as I gave it to him. I guess the power of my glare isn’t much though, he simply sat down in my computer chair and rifled through them while I stood there, waiting for my explanation.

K: Here you go. Proof that you decided to add yourself to the list of people and things that felt a need to stalk me.

Z: I don't remember making pictures of you....these look nothing like you.

K: Pictures of me? Wait, that's supposed to be me?

Z: I think so...and now I've damned you. Now somehow, I've...I've told it about you, I think...and it's going to find you. *He slumped down in my chair.* What have I done to you?

K: Damned me? What the hell are you talking about?

Z: The tree, somehow...I think it's going to come for you. I think I tried to warn you about it.

K: Why would it be coming for me? And how would warning me damn me? And why the hell couldn't you have said something instead of scaring the fuck out of me with the pedo stalker mail?

Z: I don't even remember drawing it! I can't sleep, I have to keep moving every day, I've got people on both sides trying to kill me, because everyone knows I'm crazy...and I'm just trying to end this madness, Kay...I...don’t...know...how I did this.

At this point we both fairly upset. And the last I thing I wanted was to deal with an indignant psychopath while I was so upset I was nearly in tears. I took a deep breath and attempted to calm myself down.

K: Alright fine. Let’s go with you don't remember doing it, even though I still find that far too suspicious. So why do you think you would have needed to warn me?

Z: I wanted to warn you because you were so nice to me, that since I'm responsible for all this, the least I could do is warn you what was coming...

And I swear to you folks, I think I felt something in my brain break a little bit when he said that. I sat down in a chair and stared at him dumbly for a moment before I was able to make my brain connect to my mouth again.

K: Let me get this straight. You somehow found my address, sent me pictures that you don't remember drawing, left cryptic threatening sounding comments on my blog, and show up at my door armed in the middle of the night to talk to me all because I was nice to you?

Z: I guess so. Have you seen the leeches yet? I think they feed on it sometimes. They won't be hard to hurt, they just explode, like water balloons. I didn't see anything that could help me, and I've already hurt you too much. I should go.

He stood up and I watched him sway again. And all those stupid must take care of people instincts just came rushing back to the front of my brain. Before I could even think logically I was standing in front of him, insisting that he sit back down, that he should be in a hospital.

Z: I can manage, I don't have a choice really. I'm on a deadline. Goodbye, Kay. Maybe I'll kill that tree before it comes for you, or before it takes full control of me...

And that was when I started remembering that I was arguing with a serial killer. But I also realized that said serial killer was damaged enough that maybe I could knock him down, tie him up, stop him.

K: You are probably a full foot taller than me as well as at least a hundred pounds heavier than me, but I could probably give you a good hard shove right now and you would keel over. In fact, I should, it would stop you from hurting anyone else!

And oh I swear I think I hurt his pride when I said that! He did that thing where guys straighten their backs and try to make their shoulders look bigger. Kind of the human male equivalent of how a cat puffs itself to look large to an enemy. He looked down at me, assessing me, and started speaking again.

Z: So...you want to kill me then? Hmm, Kay? Death by your hands? Certainly you've had to kill before, certainly you're no stranger to it now. But...you don't get to kill me. No, I still get to atone for my pride and my vanity before I can die. Then you can get in line with everyone else who wants to do me in.

K: Kill you? When the hell did I say kill you? Not everyone is like you, you know. Not all of us think that killing is the only option. I've killed, but I've also incapacitated.

Z: For the wrongs I've done to all, and the wrongs I've done for you, why wouldn't you want to kill me?

His voice trembled when he asked me why I wouldn’t want to kill him and that was when I lost any ability to try and hurt him. The self-loathing, the bitterness in his voice. It was too much. I thought maybe I could help save him. Maybe I could somehow convince him that he could stop this. Stupid, stupid me. How the hell have I been through so much, yet I still remain so idiotically naïve.?

K: Because you can still be saved. I've told you before and I will keep saying it, my heart hurts so much for what you and she went through. But Zero, she would not want you to do this. It's wrong and you know it. You can stop and you can find a better way. You wouldn't be the first person to go down a wrong path and turn back around.

Z: Wouldn't you burn your soul to ash if you could save those you care about? Or in memory of those you failed to save?

K: Not if there is a better way. And murder is never the right way!

Z: And what other ways have worked? Running, dying by its hand, amnesia? This isn't so simple to think that truth and good prevail. I said before that if I had to play a villain to fight this thing, I will...I just…

And then he started to cry and my heart broke. This poor man, standing in my home crying because he just wanted the nightmare to be over. Just like I want. Just like we all want. He rubbed at his mask and kept speaking.

Z: There's no other way for me, for any of us. We can't just wish him away. Not all of us get a happy ending, Kay, not for me anyway.

K: Remnant-

Z: Not Remnant...

His arms fell to away from his face to his sides and looked at me with a pair of pain filled eyes that seemed completely lucid for the first time since he had walked into my home.

Z: Remnant, Zerosage, they're just cover identities, another mask that I wear. I have a real name.

And just like that, he told me his name. I don’t know why. And I won’t tell you guys what it is. It just doesn’t feel right to share that. I put my hands on his shoulders and got him to sit back down in the chair.

K: Alright, [DATA REDACTED]. Why are you so convinced you can't have one? Or at least a better one then what you've decided to do?"

Z: Because I know better. Because I've spilt too much blood. Because...you reached out and touched a viper, and were struck by it. Ame.... Kay...if I don't do this, the tree will kill me. All I can hope for is to leave this world in a better place before I fall. Maybe then everyone can forget all about me.

He was crying even harder now. He honestly believed that he had somehow sent that tree thing after me and I could hear how much he hated himself for it. I reached out and pulled the mask off of his face.

Guys, he’s my age. I had always assumed he was like most of the people that blog. Late teens, early twenties. Some poor kid that spent too much time online and had his life taken away before he even had a chance to start living it. But no, he’s my age, maybe a little bit older. The kind of guy that if I had met him under other circumstances I would have shyly admired him and hoped that maybe he would ask for my phone number. And for some reason that made my heart hurt even more.

K: I won't forget you, not after all this.

And I couldn’t help it. I reached out and I wrapped my arms around him and I held him while he cried and sobbed. And I thought that maybe somehow I really had gotten through to him. That he could be like Reach was and turn himself around.

Pretty dumb of me huh? He fell asleep and I left the room. He proceeded to get his stuff and sneak out of my house. Probably on his merry way to start killing again. I had the chance to stop him but because I was stupid enough to think that he was somehow hearing me, he’s still at large, a danger to all of you.

And the bastard stole my piece of jade.

I sat down to make a post just to let you guys know that I'm still alive. But as soon as sat down to type I realized that for the first time in months I have nothing to say. No one has shown up at my home to hurt me. No supernatural occurrences have plagued my days or nights. The worst thing that has happened is that Zero is still making his vaguely threatening promises to come visit me and that doesn't even bother me much at this point.

It's very odd, this lack of fear. And it's worrisome. I can understand it. I faced down my worst nightmare brought to life and won. But fear is something that we need, it helps us to stay alive. And if I don't have fear to help me remember when to not do stupid things like shove a mirror in the not face of an Eldritch Abomination-

There was just a knock at my door. It is the middle of the night! And I'd be an idiot to not realize that anyone knocking on my door at this time of night is not coming over for tea and cookies.

Gods and goddesses, I don't want to fight anymore. But I'm not gonna hide from this either.

Be back later folks. Here's hoping it won't be from the hospital again.

Zero

Hello Zerosage! I saw your comment and felt that my response would work much better here.

I assume that you didn't start reading this blog until I made the mistake of discovering that you weren't dead and started trying to communicate with your Remnant persona, who by the way is MUCH more polite and pleasant then this aspect of you! Perhaps this would go much smoother if I could speak with Remnant instead?

Since I'm assuming the only thing you know about me is that I am female and your recent observations about us tend to make me think you don't respect us much to begin with, I would like to direct your attention to three specific posts that will show you something very very important.

These three men. All three of them have come after me. The two that tried to kill me are dead. And while it hurt my soul every time I had to defend myself, I won't let that stop me if you make the mistake of thinking you can put me down as easily as that poor girl, Kelly.

Do us both a favor before you come here. Make sure you really want to do this first.