Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Think Happy Thoughts

Cathy and Tony are here and my heart is so full it helps make up for how angry I was at myself over Zero. I really didn’t think she and I were ever going to actually meet and to have this actually happening is just wonderful.

I wish it was better circumstances. I wish with all my heart that that the two of us were going out to dinner with Cynthia and that my voice didn’t still rasp if I talk too much, but we take what we can get right?

I am calmer then I was. Between Cathy being here and talking with Hakurei on the phone for a while I feel less angry at myself. I did what I felt I needed to do at the time. Was it the right decision? I don’t know. What if I had managed to knock him out? What was I supposed to do? Keep him like a pet? There’s no way I would have been able to give him to the police. I’m sure that branch of the FBI that supposedly exists just to deal with Fighters and Runners would not have anything good in store for me or him. And turning him over to the authorities knowing that would have been just as bad as murdering him myself.

I refuse to believe that anyone can't be saved no matter what they believe of themselves. I may be mad at myself for the way things turned out, but Hakurei is right. I had to try. And I am not going to apologize for refusing to murder a man in cold blood.

Generally hindsight is 20/20 but not in this case. I can’t come up with any other options to take that would have let me keep living with myself. I did the best that I could and that’s all any of us can ever do. That would make a good epitaph wouldn’t it? Here lies Kaylin. She did the best that she could.

I could think of much worse ways to have lived my life.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my best friend and I are going to cook breakfast together while her ex-husband glares at us and complains about us laughing too much.


  1. That's the spirit Kay. :]

    Have lot's of fun, alright?

  2. Saved from death? Madness? And the like - maybe. But, despite hating to repeat myself, not from fear. -Boggart

  3. This is... this is absolutely fantastic. It's springtime, new life abounds, and it's a beautiful day, and dammit, you deserve to spend it happy, and with friends.

    I'm so glad you're feeling better. -hugs-

  4. He's just sad because he doesn't know how to laugh anymore.

  5. hehehehehehehehe

    i am angry and happy

  6. Given the choice, Cynthia, I find it's always nicer to be happy.

  7. You've got me thinking. When I read your last post, all I could think about was how remarkably different your experience with Zero was compared to Arkady's. I shouldn't be surprised given Arkady's character and Zero's mission, but still just the sheer range of experience is interesting.

    I think it all really comes back to that epitaph of yours. Just like you said, it's beautiful. And sadly it's not something that someone can appreciate until they've been put in a situation like Zero's or yours that's just so fucked up. Because the more I think about it, the more I think that no matter what we do and is within our power, someone out there gets fucked over. Someone who doesn't deserve to lose does so in the end. To still want to try afterwards, to still get up day after day and continue on in the struggle...that's a damn lofty goal. I wonder if I'll have the strength to do so in the end.

    Thanks for the thought-provoking update Kay.

    Love Under Will