Saturday, April 30, 2011

Everything feels so strange right now. I’m at a hotel, got released from the hospital this morning. Not allowed to go back to my own house yet. It’s still considered a crime scene. On the plus side I was promised that the worst of the mess will be cleaned up before I am able to go back. It was so strange though. It was like they didn’t actually see what happened.

I guess its part of that whole perception filter thing. I never thought I would be using that phrase outside of discussing a Doctor Who episode, but my neighbor was asleep the whole time Tom and I were fighting and the whole time those crows were swarming, but he just happened to wake up after everything was done, look out his window, and see Tom’s body?

The cops too. They didn’t seem to really see what my house looked like. They looked right past the crow feathers scattered everywhere, the fact that every window was shattered, not just the one I had closed on Tom.

But they saw me very well. Covered in blood with a body hanging out a window on the other side of the room. They took me to the hospital and kept trying to question me, which was more then a little ridiculous since my throat was so swollen I could barely breathe, let alone talk. They did love the fact that instead of calling them I sat down and got blood all over my keyboard. Mind you they haven't questioned what I was doing on the computer. But that's ok cause I'm not even sure what possessed me to go the computer first. I think I was just trying to get back any sense of sanity. Blogging is sane. Slamming a window frame full of shattered glass on your ex is not. I was just trying so hard to process what happened, trying to get away from the panic.

But anyway the cops didn't ask what I was doing at the computer. I wonder if this blog is covered under that filter? Well I couldn't answer them anyway, not with my voice shot and my wrist and fingers swollen.  So the doctors pumped me full of steroids and painkillers and my lawyer made them go away until communication was going to be a little easier.

By the time she let them talk to me, things were starting to shape up in my favor. There I was all beaten up again, after having been hospitalized for the same man attacking me only weeks before. My lawyer is completely confident that this will be ruled self defense and on the off chance that it isn’t there is no jury in the world that would convict me with all of the physical evidence there is for me right now.

The steroids gave me my appetite back. I’ve been eating like a horse which is saying a lot when you think about the fact that all I’ve been eating for the past few days is hospital food. And the painkillers I’m on have been knocking me out so I’m starting to catch up on my sleep. I looked at myself today and while I’ve got a good size bruise from where he hit me, my face is starting to look more like a woman then a living skeleton.

It’s the strangest feeling. For the first time in seven years, he’s not hovering over me anymore. Not physically or in my own head. I am battered and bruised, but it doesn’t truly hurt because he can’t hurt me anymore. I’m free.

Morningstar: I usually make it a point to ignore you. Your cartoon villainy makes it impossible to take you seriously, and your sheer fury makes talking with you worthless most of the time. However, I feel I at least owe you a response after the well meant if odd supportive comments you have given me in the past few weeks. So to answer your questions, no. I don’t feel powerful. Or excited. I feel weary. I feel sad that others had to suffer because of him. And I still feel sad for him. I don’t know what happened to him that made him into what he was, but considering the fact that those kinds of damages usually occur in childhood, I doubt he deserved it. I can pity the person he should have been while still being relieved that one of the monsters that killed my godchildren is gone.

Zero: You have got some serious freaking nerve! You send me those pictures, claim ignorance, but then ask for directions to find me? What the hell is your problem?

Rika: You know what go stalk your psycho boyfriend. Maybe then he'll leave me alone. 

Thank you everyone else for the support. You guys are so wonderful and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you. I don’t think I’ll ever be ok with the fact that this happened, but I’ll get through it. It’ll be nice to go back home in a few days and know that no matter what else happens, he’s never coming for me again.


  1. I'm glad you're okay. You're all much braver than I. I was told, that I shouldn't try to worry so much, but now I wish I could be there for you. For all of you. I don't know what's wrong with Zero, I don't understand anything at all. And I know, I'm useless and probably no help at all.

    I just want you to know that you're almost like a hero to me. You, Ava, Alora, Lucien. Keep on holdin on. <3

  2. No one is useless. Put that right out of your mind. We're all gonna worry about each other and we all try to be there for each other. The only ones that I might consider to be useless are the ones that only care for themselves.

  3. I really want to...
    I want to believe I can do something, but... I feel like every step that we take, we're two steps back. Reach is dead. Ava doesn't seem like she's happy with everyone...

    And my friend...

    I just can't get rid of the guilt. I couldn't even bring myself post on either Ava's or Reach's blogs.

    But I suppose you're right. I'll try to not think about it so much. But it's just hard, staying inside all day looking over useless stuff while everyone's out there risking their lives.

  4. Well, drug-induced or not, it's good to hear you are getting back your strength. One less shadow at your back as well... that mental image still amuses me~

    Zero is merely out to kill. He doesn't care who, really. "Tainted" is just an excuse he uses to justify it. All of our heads are on the same chopping block. Just watch your back. I hope by now you're carrying some form of weapon with you at all times? There won't always be a window or frying pan handy.

    Stay smart. Stay safe.

  5. At least the Tablet couldn't do it, though, huh?

  6. Be careful, alright? I think Zero's actually adding you to his list of targets. Ugh. I'm too tired to consider doing anything as stupid as what I'm considering.

  7. Yay, you're okay! Well. Mostly. You're a live, yay!

    About Zero? If he's crazy, boy am I fooled. He seems too methodical about this. But I really, really hope you're not a target.

  8. Sage, what are you considering? And if it involves driving out here and staying with me for an unknown amount of time while we wait to see if he shows up at my door or not, then that is just not happening. You have way too many balls to juggle right now, you cannot just drop them all to come protect me.

  9. ...completely true. I'm sorry. Can you handle this?

  10. After Tom, some guy carrying an imitation katana who has admitted that he doesn't even know how to use it correctly will be like a vacation. I may have a lot of pity for what this poor kid has been forced to go through, but if he comes here then he'll learn the hard way what happens when you try to push around a woman who will push back.

  11. Kick his ass good and hard for me.

  12. Zero's pretty dangerous, you know. I wouldn't take him lightly. That would only prove my point. You should be preemptive, proactive, not "if he makes me".

  13. Alright, Killjay is it? What a lovely entrance into the community, immediately proclaiming your superiority to everyone else. And what would your contributions to our continued survival be? If you're going to claim to have the biggest penis, let's see some proof.

    It will be only if he makes me because I refuse to become one of the people that loses their heart. I look at some of the Fighters out there that no longer flinch when they take a life and I don't want that.

    Keeping my life is not worth the loss of myself. That being said, how do you know I'm not proactive? You have no idea what kind of precautions I have. And I'm not going to talk about anything I may or may not have done here because I have read the Evil Overlord List.

    Don't like it? Go bother someone else.

  14. Sage, you don't have to worry about Kay for now. My workload is getting lighter now, so it will make it easier for me to check in on her, make sure she is safe. We lost several people already, including the recent loss of Reach.....I mean Ray. And after not being there both times that Tom hurt her, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anything happen to her again.


  15. As much as I appreciate the worry boys, I'm not a distressed damsel. If I do need help, I'll call.

  16. Keep on rockin' Kay, but don't be afraid to ask for help. From the sound of it you're still in pretty rough physical shape. Even if Zero isn't that great with his katana, you're on a cocktail of drugs that'll slow you down. No one will think any less of you for doing so, especially not after how you wrecked Tom.

    Love Under Will

  17. Fair enough Setoth. I'm not trying to play lone wolf or anything dumb like that, they just need to remember that they're in just as much danger from our mutual stalker and its toys as I am. As much as we want to take care of each other, unfortunately dropping everything to run to each others sides could end up doing more harm then good depending on the situation. And it would break my heart if someone else died because one of them was trying to come to me.

  18. Kay...

    I'm so sorry.

    We, hell I need you.

    Remember what we talked about? I need a crash course.

    In not business...Hell, Kay. Zero may be nuts, but I don't think he'd kill you. He did send you those letters.

    And I still have a hard time as seeing Zero as anything but...Zero, you know?

    Im sorry.

  19. Well at least someone has a little faith in me.

    As for you, Kay, I'd rather handle this issue in person.

    See you in a couple of days.

  20. @Slice No sweetie don't be sorry, I'm just so relieved you're ok! How much of a crash course are you talking about?

    @Zero You know what? I think that my response to you deserves more then just a comment. I'll talk to you in a little bit.